A Year of Change

Yesterday after another trip to Denver, I made it home in time to get to Jag’s school to pick him up. Ty stayed late to watch the football game and I picked him up around 5:30. When I was driving him home he complained about his right arm which is the one in the cast. Two hours later he was crying in pain and we were headed to the Emergency Room at the hospital. Thankfully, Dr. Viola, from Lori’s clinic and who knows the boys well as he’s done no less than 3 surgeries on them, was still there. He met us in the ER and checked Ty out.

Turns out in gym class they lifted weights and Ty did 4 sets of bench press consisting of 30 reps each with a cast on! We were flabbergasted as we never signed a waiver so he could participate in strenuous activities much less weight lifting. Randy (Dr. Viola) said he just over used his arm and sent us home with Tylenol and Advil until the morning when he can x-ray Ty’s arm. Thank God he was still at the hospital otherwise we’d be out thousands of dollars to the hospital. Driving home I looked at Lori and said, “this is right about where I’d call my Mom and tell her what’s going on”, which was spot on. Only now of course, I can’t pick up the phone and give her a call. I still told her what happened and can see her shaking her head and saying something clever.

Tom, Robin and I had numerous texts back and forth about the upcoming service. I sometimes wish we could all three just get on the phone and agree on what to do. I probably am too pushy trying to get things done and probably piss one or both of them off from time to time, if so, sorry. I’m just trying to help get things done. Tom and I were going to go clean out some more stuff, like the kitchen or basement but neither of us much felt like doing anything today. Every time we walk into the house it’s a reminder, sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, hope everyone is well, hope Ty doesn’t have a broken arm as that’s all we’d need about now, ugh.

Fun pictures! In the top one, the photographer obviously told us all to “look up”! We were younger in the top picture but I’m not sure by how much.

Take care and God Bless.

Lots going on up here. I’m doing ok but driving a ton and am back in Denver again today, ugh. As far as being overwhelmed, that’s not me but rather Jagger. He’s trying to do about a months worth of work at his new school to catch up and he puts so much pressure on himself that he gets overwhelmed. As I’ve said before, he’s like OCD about it. We’re both meeting with the Upper School Director this morning and I’m going to make sure she lets him know to just relax!

Then I’m off to the warehouse in Denver for some samples before meeting up with Tom to review the obituary. We decided to keep it short and sweet as it’s so expensive. I need to verify a few details and then need to get it published.

I spoke with the Pastor yesterday and Tom and I are supposed to meet with him next Tuesday at 8:30 am. (Tom, make a note) I need to book Tasha’s ticket as she sent me her details and I think Robi and Robert are getting theirs too. We’re going to have a reception at 240 Union after the service and I need to call them today too. Then I think we’ll go out to dinner with a few people or maybe just head back up the hill, not sure yet.

Tom and I have been reminiscing about Mom a lot this weekend as the three of us would always talk every weekend about football. We still miss her lots but are trying to move on as you have to do. Here’s a little thing Robin sent yesterday that’s pretty neat.

I’m Free

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free.  I’m following the path God laid for me, I took his hand when I heard him call, I turned my back and left it all.  I could not stay another day to laugh, to love, to work or play.  Tasks left undone must stay that way.  I found that place at the close of day.  If my parting has left a void then fill it with remembered joy.  A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.  Ah, yes these things I too will miss.  Be not burdened with times of sorrow, I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.  My life’s been full, I’ve savored much; good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.  Perhaps my time seemed all too brief; Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.  Lift up your heart and share with me. God wanted me now.  He set me free.

Here’s one of my favorite pictures even though it’a a little grainy. It’s Mom holding Jag! Look at him laughing, too funny.

God Bless,

Yesterday was a nice break from all the drama we had last week. There were many moments Tom and I thought of Mom, but it was in a joyous way as she really loved football. The only thing that could have made the day better was for her beloved Green Bay Packers to win.

Lori and I headed out around 8:30 am for Denver. About 10 we made it to the house to stop for 45 minutes or so to clean a few more drawers. We left a bit before 11 and drove to Elways to meet our good friends Jeff and Tina for pre-game lunch. We had a nice brunch and soon were leaving for the game. It started out great with us taking a 7-0 lead on a long drive and then was halted for weather. After a 62 minute delay for lightening, it was back on. The day was filled with great play from both our offense and defense as we pretty much beat the hell out of the Dallas Cowboys who many pick to go to the Super Bowl. Finally around 6:15 with the game in hand, we headed home and arrived around 8:15 exhausted.

Today I need to finish up the obituary, head back down to Denver and get back to work. Lori, Jag and Ty also have lots to do this week. Our friends at lunch and even the guys who sit behind us at the game all expressed their condolences which of course brought back some feelings but for some reason, probably football, they were good feelings as like I said before, my Mom loved her football.

Time to get moving as it’s 5:45 and Lori and I are headed to the gym. Here’s a great picture of Mom and Dad, more to come, take care, be safe and God Bless.

As we wake up to another day, we realize just how fast time goes and that the World doesn’t stop, no matter who you are or what you’re dealing with.

Today Lori and I are going to the Denver Dallas football game with some friends. We’ve spent most of the past week with Tom and Ali dealing with what one has to deal with and starting to purge things up at the house. We haven’t scratched the surface but do have the food cleaned out of the kitchen and fridge. We’ve also managed to make it through some dresser drawers and papers. As I said above, the World doesn’t stop and the bills keep coming at Mom’s and there’s still upkeep that needs to be done around the house. Yesterday Shelly came out for the first time and looked through some things and gathered up a few important items to her such as some blankets and trinkets. We all feel sort of funny going through Mom’s stuff but it needs to be done. Again, there is so much stuff that this is going to take a long time.

Tom, Ali, Lori and I are the ones who have been cleaning things out as obviously we’re the ones who live here. I’ll bet we’ve thrown out 20 bags of trash although Mom probably thought it was all good stuff! Now I realize where I get my habit of hanging on to things that I have no need for. Mom though took this to a new level. She kept everything, and I mean everything! I’m glad she did as it’s fun to see all the old stuff like newspaper clippings about everything throughout the years but some of it just has to go. She has lots and lots of new clothes with the tags still on. Dozens of Ralph Lauren Polo sweaters, Christian Dior nightgowns, pants and shirts from Neiman Marcus, (I took some back yesterday and had them credit $400 to her account) and more. Too bad none of the girls wear size 6 shoes as there must be thousands of dollars of great shoes. Lori is doing her best along with Ali to find a coat or jacket to wear but there’s too many of them. We’d all need a new house just to store all the stuff. Then there’s the furniture, Lori and I pretty much have no room, I think Tom and Ali made room for Maybel’s chair by taking one of theirs out (good pet owners) and Shelly said she’d like the flowered couches but can’t take them for months until she gets a new place. Robin and Robert want an old couch and the butcher block in the kitchen but there’s bedroom sets, tables, chairs and more that we’ll need to sell. Tommy told me Robert likes this one painting in the kitchen which I gave Mom for Christmas which is great and also like this old wooden sled in the basement which was mine from 40 years ago. Robert, glad to know you like my taste, ha! We have a friend that owns a consignment shop up here in Vail that can probably come down and load up a trailer and bring the unwanted stuff up here as people tend to pay more for things up here.

As I said yesterday, Mom’s service is October 5th. I think we’re having a reception afterwards with wine and appetizers for a bit and then some of us will go to dinner with friends. I found a gorgeous drawing of Mom yesterday in the attic I want to hang in my house that we might use for the service. Looking through the many pictures, our Mom was so so pretty. The pictures of her when she was younger, like in her 40’s or 50’s are stunning. You don’t really look at your Mom thinking is she pretty or not when you see her daily as she’s just your Mom, but man was she a knock out.

Next week Tom and I need to get with lawyers and get the legal stuff going. This is going to be a big chore but between the two of us, we’ll figure it out, hopefully. Time to run, hope everyone is well, take care and God Bless.

Today marks one week since my Mom passed away. We miss her so much and would trade anything to have her back. Sadly, we know that can’t happen but it doesn’t stop one from bargaining from time to time in their mind. I find myself doing it almost daily.

The service is set for October 5th at 3 pm at Rockland Church a little bit up the hill in the mountains. I haven’t written the obituary yet and need to get that done this weekend. Yesterday we went through a few more cupboards and had James clean out the old food. He told me there was some food in there older than me, which is probably true. Today we need to get the refrigerator cleaned out. Again there’s so much stuff everywhere as Mom was a pack rat. I called a friend in Cherry Creek who knows any and everybody to find an antique appraiser who we’re going to call to come out to the house next week as there’s so many figurines and things that we have no idea of their value or what to do with them. Speaking of having so many of something, Mom must have had 40 or 50 pair of gloves! They’re gorgeous and vintage meaning older but she had such small hands not many women will be able to wear them. I don’t recall ever seeing my Mom in a pair of gloves! Maybe Tasha will fit in a few.

Socks, socks and more socks. There are socks everywhere! We need to go through each and every single pair as my Mom would hide things inside socks! I’ll bet many are 40 or 50 years old. I did find a few fun things like all of our kids report cards. I won’t name names but some of us could have done a little bit better in school, hmmm. I’m going to go through things and separate them so each of us gets the mementos from our childhood. Then there’s the kitchen, there are dishes upon dishes with sauce pans, old silverware from when I was a kid and little knick knacks everywhere. Some of the old knives aren’t of any real value but just old from like the 1950’s or something, like butter knives.

So (arg, there I go again), you get the picture and we haven’t even been upstairs, downstairs or in the attic. But back to Mom. As I look through the many pictures and letters, I’ve gained even a greater appreciation for the friend, daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, aunt and woman that she was. We all know how beautiful and elegant she was but what you might not have known was how religious she truly was. There are handwritten notes from her to herself about faith and God and how to live her life, just about everywhere. Like little reminders, she’d stash these in drawers, pockets of clothes and have them taped inside cupboards. These are only second to the endless stash of tissues that are everywhere. She single handily kept Kleenex in business! As I find more and more notes, you can see a theme of daily devotion to family and God. It really makes me happy to know this as even though we talked about it from time to time, I had no idea the extent of her beliefs. It’s funny as I would talk to Mom about God and religion thinking I was sharing something with her when in fact, she could have told me more than I ever know. It gives me a sense of peace knowing she’s at peace. You don’t have to be religious to find your good place, but you absolutely have to find your place. No one can run away from reality or your feelings. You must face the new reality that Mom is in heaven and move on with your life.

We all miss her dearly and I’m sure all have moments each day when a thought creeps into our minds of some moment or little thing about her. It’s hard not to break down but that’s ok. To me that’s part of remembering. I still have the same thoughts from time to time about Dad. I don’t think it’ll ever stop and I don’t want it to as it makes it like they’re still both part of me and my life. All of us will handle things in our own way but I would hope that we all find a level of acceptance and know that she’s in a good place and find our own level of peace where we can move on and live our lives like she’d want us to. Please be kind to those you love and most of all, to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up or wallow in sadness as this is the last thing she’d want. Now I’m not speaking for her but I think if any of us would just stop and think to ourselves, “what would Mom want me to do”, we’d come to the realization that she’d want us to be happy, love each other and move forward with our lives in a dignified manner befitting who we are. Remember she is watching!

Have a great day, be safe, hug your family and God Bless. Here’s a picture of our beautiful Mommy with Popcorn!

What a week. Fall is coming or maybe even here but I haven’t looked outside yet. Yesterday I had my long awaited colonoscopy and thankfully, all’s good! It’s one of those, “don’t want to do it but better” tests. My buddy who is a hunting guide just lost his sister who kept putting it off and off. It’s a painless test that takes about 15 minutes and finds one of the few cancers that if caught early, can be treated with nearly 100% success. So, (there I go again with the “so”), if you’re 50, go get it done. It’s 100% covered by insurance and you’ll pay zero money out of pocket, plus the propofol they use is really relaxing! That ends today’s public service announcement!

It was a rough week. I’m sure each of us reading could share something about our feelings with all that happened. For us, Lori’s job coupled with her feelings, made for a tough week for her. Working in a hospital around sick people can’t be helpful when you’re trying to get over the loss of a loved one. The boys are ok but Jag says daily how much he misses Grandma and has been giving me a hug every day which is sort of out of character.  He just asked me if I’m doing ok. He’s overwhelmed a bit as he needs to do about 3 weeks worth of work to catch up at his new school but he told me he should have it all done by Monday, and I bet he will. We had planned on all going to Denver today but he’s staying home to catch up on all his work. Ty had a good 3 days at camp and will go with us which will be good as we can then help him work through any lingering feelings.

I spoke with Pastor Ed at Rockland Community Church and although we’d love to have Christine come for the service, we need to get this done. So (arg, there I go again, Mom’s laughing!), we’ve scheduled the service for Thursday October 5th. I checked with Robi and Shelly and Tasha and a few out of towners like the Rubin’s and that works. Aunt Rose and Scott will be coming too. I had to tell Scott I had another call yesterday when I called him as I couldn’t get off the phone! Other people like Charles, the head salesman at Neiman Marcus for thirty plus years, who was close to Mom, will even be coming. Mom and his Mom, who used to run Saks 5th Avenue knew each other for years and Charles and I exchanged our Moms phone numbers two months ago so they could call each other. He told me his Mom will be crushed as they just had a 2 hour phone call about 6 weeks ago. So (arg) there you go.

Tomorrow I’m going to go pick up Shelly at take her out to the house. We’re not sure what to do with all the furniture as no one has room for it and we don’t want to throw it away so we’ll have to figure something out. Then there’s the clothes, lots and lots of clothes. Lori is about the only one who can fit in Mom’s clothes but what I’m talking about is the decades of stuff from the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and so on that no one will wear. If you wanted to play dress up for a costume party, there’s some good stuff. Maybe we can find a consignment shop to take things to. Actually she had enough clothes so we could start our own consignment shop, ha! Anyhow lots of stuff to get through. Lori reminded me that we have a ton of our own stuff in storage at Mom’s from when we moved! I’m already paying for two storage units to the tune of $440 a month and don’t really want to get another one. There’s a few pieces Robi wants like a couch and the butcher block in the kitchen but there’s a house full of other stuff. Tasha is now reading the blog daily and we talked yesterday and would love to get some stuff down to her but by the time you pay to ship it, you could just buy something in Georgia. Oh well, we’ll work through it. Personally all I care about is things like photos and a few keepsakes that have memories associated with them. Mom saw things coming as she gave a few things away like her wedding ring to Robi before she passed and us boys a few memento’s like her dads stop watch to me and a couple paintings to Tommy. She even gave some small memento’s to her friends who were less fortunate. Who knows what we’ll find in the attic or basement. Unless you actually see it, you can’t fathom the shear amount of “stuff” that is there as she was a pack rat. Mom never really cleaned out much from when Dad passed as his medicine cabinet in their bathroom is just the way he left it! Dad must have had a dozen manicure sets which makes sense as he was always grooming his finger nails, but a dozen sets? Almost OCD, ha. We do have to look in every single pocket of every single piece of clothing in every closet as Mom would stick notes and the occasional $20 or $50 bill in a pocket.

I have James coming out today to give me a proposal on keeping the yard up and doing some small things around the house. Mom was really good to him and she actually prepaid him for some work as he needed some money so he has some things he’s doing for us. Speaking of James, say what you will about him, but he was really good to Mom and Dad. It’s been 17 years since I called him over from the neighbors and introduced myself and then had Mom come outside to meet him and hire him for Dad. He wasn’t “medical” meaning he didn’t have a degree or anything but he cared and was available 24/7 with a phone call. He too is grieving and sort of lost as he now has no income. He told me Mom was the first person he saw every morning and the last person he say every night for the past 7 years, which is pretty much true. So (arg) we’ll use him around the house and I’m sure he’ll find something. Maybel, oh Maybel, Mom’s yappy little dog, now lives with Tom and Ali. That’d make Mom happy and it makes us happy too as no freakin way we’d take her!

Guess that’s it for the day, it’ll be a week tomorrow and I’m already dreading the day, not that it means much other than being a week. Just one of those things that pops into your head. Here’s a photo of all the girls around August 4th. Take care, be safe, hug your family and God Bless.

For the past two days, although it feels like a week, Ty has been camping in Leadville with the 4th grade class. I think I mentioned he was chosen as a leader for the 4th grade trip. We’re glad he’s had lots of camping this year.

I pretty much worked from home all day and tried to get caught up. There’s still a lot of details to get sorted out surrounding the arrangements. Once these are done, then the real work will begin. We’re looking at either October 5th or October 13th for Mom’s service. It seems like a long way away but you have to schedule the church and if they don’t have space, what can I do.

Tomorrow Lori and I, and maybe the boys, will go down to Denver. I’m not sure of our plans and will know more this afternoon.

Hard to believe it’s been less than a week. You’d like to think each day things get a little better but in reality for me, it’s about the same. It’s just whether I’m busy or not that determines how I’m doing. I find myself sometimes in a fog, usually after someone tells me how sorry they are as it gets me thinking. Lori is doing ok but has a couple moments at work each day when something reminds her of Mom. I’m not sure what the proper clinical way is to grieve and I don’t really care. I think everyone has to deal with things in their own way.

The Pastor from Rockland Church called yesterday to tell me how sorry he was. He said he remembered us and Dad’s service and after 15 or 20 minutes of talking about things, told me that Mom is with God and in a better place. I of course believe this and thanked him for his call and will talk to him this afternoon to see if Thursday October 5th is open for the service at his church. Our cousin Chris has been helping me out with setting things up and with her being a minister, we hope it works out where she can be part of, or even perform the service.

Jag loved his first day back. Everyone welcomed him of course and he’s right back in the groove. He has a lot of work to do to catch up as the curriculum is a bit different. His old school was bummed he’s gone as he was a credit to them and they knew it.

They say snow will arrive this weekend in the northern mountains. That’s a little early but I’m ok with it. Lori won’t be happy until I remind her she’ll get to wear all her nice winter clothes, ha! Now that I mention it, I need to wrap up the air conditioner outside and turn on the heat, as there’s a bit of a chill in the air.

I hope everyone is doing well. It’s still hard and will be for sometime. Lori has warned me that Christmas will not be easy. We are planning on having it in Denver at Tom and Ali’s if it can be worked out. Whatever happens I know we all need to be together as that’s what Mom would want and that’s what we all want too. So, take care, have a great day and God Bless.

Funny, I remember Mom saying to me a few months ago, “you know you say “so” a lot, don’t you”, to which I told her, “yes Mom, I do, “so” what do you want to talk about now”?

Here’s a great picture from when we all went to Italy! That sure was a great trip.

Yesterday was another emotional day. Not only did I have to deal with some “arrangements”, but also thanks to Ty letting me know how unhappy Jag was at his new school, I decided to pull him from his current school and put him back in the private school he went to for the past two years.

His new school is a fine school but it just wasn’t a fit for him. He is one of those students that needs to be challenged and he just wasn’t getting that there. He currently has a 4.39 GPA there and that includes AP (advanced placement) classes. He was constantly frustrated as he’d come home telling us, he just wasn’t learning anything or that he already knew what they were covering in class and that he was wasting his time. In any case, he was not happy to the point of being really depressed so after I heard this at 8:20 in the morning from Ty and after dropping him and then dropping Ty, I pulled off the highway and went straight to his old school. I was on my way to Denver and couldn’t reach the Director of the school by phone so in ten minutes I pulled into the parking lot. I walked in and asked to see the Director who was pleased to see me and asked about the boys. I told him Ty is flourishing but that Jag needed to come back and that I needed him to let him in right away. Much to my surprise, he said “of course, come right in”. He called in Jeremy, the Head of Admissions and they both said that the school would love to have Jagger back and that he could start tomorrow, being today. They asked me if I needed financial assistance and after discussing it for a minute, I said if you get him in tomorrow and can let me make payments, we’d figure out how to pay. So, that was it, he was back, all in a matter of about an hour from when his younger brother told me how unhappy he was.

Jeremy or Mike (the Director of VMS) told me to just go get him as he didn’t need to be at his old school for the day. I didn’t think about this and was going to tell Jag after school but once they suggested it, I was like, “oh yea” and headed straight to his old school. I called Jag when I was on the way and he texted me “what’s up” as he was in class. I told him to call me asap which took him about 2 minutes. I told him on the phone to get all his stuff and go to the office as he was leaving Battle Mountain and going back to VMS. He was in shock he told me later and didn’t understand what I meant. I drove as fast as I could to pick him up and signed him out of school in a few seconds. He asked me what’s up again and I told him Ty had shared with me how unhappy he was and that I just left VMS and he was going back this morning. He said “really” and then almost had tears in his eyes. He asked about the cost and said he didn’t want to be a burden and make the family stretched financially. I asked him if he really was unhappy and wanted to go back to which he replied, “of course”. So I told him “don’t worry about money, worry about being 15 and things like school, girls, good times and acne”, ha. It’s like a huge burden was lifted off him and like we had our son back. I feel bad I didn’t recognize how unhappy he was as he had told me, Lori had told me and even yesterday my brother Tom told me as Jag told him the day before how he hated his new school.

I didn’t know how I was going to pay for it, and still don’t, but that really doesn’t matter. When I called Lori and told her what I did, she was almost crying with joy as she too knew he wasn’t happy. I just thought it was a new school and that he’d adjust but it just wasn’t a fit for him. Lori called me later in the day and told me Grandma Dixie was sending a check for $5000 in Grandma Lois’s honor for Jag’s tuition. We can’t thank her enough for this help. I’ll figure the rest out as all that’s important is that he’s back at his school and happy and starting at 8:10 this morning.

I took him to Denver with me and on the way back we stopped at VMS and as we walked in it was like he was some celebrity as the school had sent a school wide email 5 minutes earlier saying Jagger was coming back. Students and teachers rushed him to hug him and welcome him back. It was like hundreds of people were mobbing him to congratulate him and tell him how happy they were. It was like they were happier than he was! The Upper School Director thanked me over and over for bringing him back and said “he’s such a credit to the school”. He’s probably their top student and more than that, just makes the school better. Jagger shook the Director of the Schools hand and thanked him and Mike looked up at Jagger and said, “well, you grew another foot” and then said how happy he was to have Jag back!

For the next 30 or 40 minutes, Jag went to see his teachers and in true Jagger form, asked the Trig/Calculus teacher if he needed to do any work last night. They Upper School Director laughed and said to just relax tonight while the math professor who doesn’t know Jag joked, “ah yea, have this and this done by the morning”.  I told him not to say that as Jag would do it!

So we’re back at VMS. My Mom was asking almost daily how the boys were doing at their new schools as she too was concerned. While she and I and Grandma Dix all advocate public schools, this just wasn’t the fit for him. I know Jag will now be challenged as he needs to be as they put him in advanced math, history, and science and it’s just a better more challenging environment. He’s one of those kids that is so driven that he gets mad if he’s not being challenged. It’a borderline OCD, and I guess that’s why he has a 4 point plus GPA.

He and I went to Denver to finalize the cremation details for Mom and today I hope to set the date for her service. I still find myself talking to Mom almost hourly and know that she’d be happy for Jag and tell me that I did the right thing. I called a few more people that we needed to get in touch with and told them about Mom.

Here’s a picture of my Mom from a while ago and one of Jag practicing driving while I was hunting. Onto day four, still hard to believe Mom’s gone but time doesn’t stop. I have some great stories that were sent to me yesterday I’ll share tomorrow. We miss you Mom and love you and of course all wish you were here. I know you’re watching and hear me when I talk to you and are doing well. I hope the daily photos help us all remember how Mom was. Everyone always tells me how pretty she was which she really was! Until tomorrow, God Bless.

We were down and up from Denver yesterday and I’ll do the same today. Then tomorrow and Thursday I’ll be up here as I luckily have a colonoscopy that’s been scheduled for four months, ugh.

Jag wasn’t feeling it and asked if he could go with Lori and I yesterday so we let him come along. It was nice to have him with us and I think helped him deal with the loss of his Grandma. Both boys are taking Friday off so we’ll go down for a three day weekend and cap it off with the Bronco Dallas game. I just couldn’t get it together to go last night.

It’s still surreal as sometimes think I’d better give Mom a call and then reality sets in. We’re all staying busy and there will be lots of house cleaning to do over the next few months. Today I need to hopefully finalize the date of the service, handle some other arrangements and finish writing the obituary. Lori and Ali will be back at work and Ty heads out for a 3 day camping trip with his school. Meanwhile Jag is going in early as he had me call his counselor at school as he feels he isn’t being challenged enough. He has a 4.29 GPA right now and that’s with him being in the Advanced Placement classes. Grandma would be proud!

I miss my Mom lots and find myself trying to make deals with God to let he come back. I know this is natural and not reality but do it anyhow. I’m talking to her a lot and know she’s listening. I pray that she’s happy and hope that she’s proud of the way I’m trying to handle things. She’s like a litmus test for most decisions I’m making as I know if she’d think things are ok or that somethings a good idea, then it surely is.

I hope everyone is doing well. We all have to grieve in our own way. Auntie Dee called Tom’s yesterday and I overheard her saying on the phone, “we have to do what we have to do”, which was funny as like I said yesterday, that’s what my Mom and I would always say when faced with adversity.

The picture from yesterday was from Robins wedding. I didn’t know this but she texted and told us so when she saw it. Mom was so pretty and elegant and graceful and I’m not just saying that cause she was my Mom! Everyone that knew her knew that for sure. Also everyone I tell of the news wants to come to the service from the dry cleaner to my buddy’s from across the Country. Tom called and said we should all wear jeans and white Polo shirts as that was Mom’s “go to” outfit. I’m fine with whatever as believe me, my Mom won’t care what anyone is wearing. Tom also suggested we have people donate to some cause instead of sending flowers as we wouldn’t know what to do with hundreds of bouquets of flowers we’d get. We’ll figure it out.

Time to run, more tomorrow but I need to get both boys moving as the World doesn’t stop. Here’s a picture of Mom, Tom and I from a few weeks ago, ha. Just kidding as it must have been from 30 years ago! I’m looking for more pictures and will continue to post them. Take care and God Bless.

Here I am about 36 hours after the moment. It’s funny as my Mom and I would call each other every year at the exact time I was born on my birthday. It was like a little thing we had that she started when I was young so I always remember that particular time of day. I don’t know what I’m going to do this year on my birthday, but am hoping she’ll call me in one way or another. Even though the “official” time of her passing will be different on all the paperwork, I know it was 4:55 in the afternoon. That time of day will now be with me forever as it’s etched in my brain.

Thanks to everyone for all the condolences and calls. I’ve stopped returning emails and skipped a few calls as by yesterday afternoon, I’d had enough for a bit. I did return a few “must call” messages late in the day but by then I was pretty broken down so they were tough. Another thing is everyone needs to stop second guessing now. The “what ifs” and “could have, should haves”, mean nothing. Mom’s in a better place, and God and she decided when it was time for them to meet up, no one else, so just stop it, please.

This morning after taking the boys to school we’ll head to Denver to meet with some necessary people to see about scheduling the service and other details that unfortunately don’t wait. The World doesn’t stop, even though you’d like it to, even if only for an hour so you can catch your breath.

I feel abut the same as I’m sure everyone does. I’m ok for a bit and then out of nowhere, it hits me. Writing these posts seem to be a trigger as my head fills up with all kinds of thoughts about her life and the many times we shared together. It’s ok as I want to remember and I’m sure it’ll get better but man, it’s hard.

Some of us are numb, some angry, some bargaining, like I said above with the what ifs, and others depressed. These are all normal stages of grief and thankfully after the above, does come acceptance. Everyone needs to take their own path though to get there. If I can help in any way, and by no means do I have any answers, I’m here if you want to talk.

The boys are doing well considering the situation. We all looked over some pictures of Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa, and the boys have been really good at focusing on the good times and memories. I think being kids they aren’t thinking about anything like the adults are but rather thinking about the fun times with Grandma and Grandpa.

It’s funny as I’ve spent most of my time worrying about my family, my wife and kids, my brother and sisters, sister in law, nieces and family friends. I’ve always been one of those that can set things aside to do what I have to do and then will deal with my own feelings at a later point. All through life, both my Mom and I when faced with any kind of adversity, always said to each other, “you do what you have to do”, which is pretty much true. It was one of our catch phrases. We were both “glass half full” people rather than “glass half empty”, which I believe is the best way to approach life. Ha, another one of our phrases.

She was so strong as a person and much wiser than people probably gave her credit for. She used to tell me how smart I was and I’d tell her “well, I got it all from you”, which again was pretty much 100% true. I know she was tired and had probably been thinking about meeting up with Dad for some time. On Friday she asked Lori several times for Dad and at one moment said, “oh there he is”.  She had also told me she just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m so glad I was there and that Robi and Tommy were too. Not sure where the blog is going to go over the next few days or weeks, months or years, but I’m sure it’ll always include some thought of our Mom.

As I said yesterday, I know she is looking down on me and each and every one of you right now. Every one of us needs to take comfort in that fact and remember in everything we do, that’s she’s watching! She was so worried we kids would argue with each other over something silly which we just cannot let happen. I spoke with Tasha and Shelly yesterday and while no one can replace Mom as the Matriarch of the family, Tom and I and Robin are going to do our best to see her wishes come true. So, as a family, it’s our responsibility to pull together and stay together, as that’s all Mom and Dad wanted. Plus if you don’t have family, what do you really have?

Be strong, have faith and love each other, more to come tomorrow, God Bless us all, especially Mom.